Protected: Frustrated.

July 29, 2010

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Take me away

July 27, 2010


Thinking too much into any one thing is never good for me.
The only problem with this revelation is that, I must think, or be doomed to an eternity of making the same mistakes over and over again.  There is no such thing anymore as gut instinct and being so spontaneous without any care in the world.
That will only end up hurting me.

I am still confused about where I am going, or where I am even currently.
This is not a bad thing, but also makes me feel like I am never satisfied.
I want to know what my future has in store so that I can be more prepared.
I want to know whether I should let people go, or keep holding on.
I want to feel like the choices I am making and the things I’m feeling aren’t going to drive me insane in the end.
I want people to stop being scared of hurting my feelings and really be honest.

All of this is just rambling.  Honestly, I had nothing to say so I said the first things that popped into my head.

Lastly, I want my best and closest friends to stop surprising me and making me feel like I know nothing about them at all anymore…

The fact of the matter is, no matter how far I go, or how close I stay, it’s always the wrong choice.  I want to be able to say that I have seen the rainbow and the pot of gold at the end, but in reality, I have chased rainbows foolishly hoping for gold, and found a dead end or a brick wall.


July 13, 2010

“The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters.”
Friedrich Nietszche

Perhaps this is why I always find myself in situations where I only have myself to blame for the horrendous outcomes of hellish relationships.  I have never thought that I was so lonely I would so easily offer myself to anyone that came along, but thinking back, I see that I wasn’t very stingy with my feelings and trust.  For all the times that I felt underappreciated or unloved, I cannot find an ounce of anything that says either person was at fault.  Maybe it is solely a coincidence, or maybe it really is because I am lonely and am willing to give myself to anyone who chances to give me the slightest attention.

On the other hand…

“Loneliness adds beauty to life.  It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.”
Henry Rollins

This I feel to be true.  Running at nighttime is one of the best feelings I can find today.  The sounds  and smells of nighttime refresh my soul, and feeling the cement pounding beneath my sneakers makes me feel like I am accomplishing something important.  Like I am adding a lot of story to my life.  This activity would never be so sweet if shared with someone else. 

In conclusion, I suppose that loneliness is a double-edged sword.  I cannot and do not want to get away from it, but I also feel like someone needs to pull me out of here.  Weird funk.


July 12, 2010

“He who laughs, lasts.”
Zig Ziglar